Here’s my thing about mental illness, before it happened to me, I really didn’t understand it, I found people with psychopathologies interesting (I’m studying neuroscience, it’s bound to happen). I found them just interesting, it really didn’t occur to me how life must be for them, I thought it was cool. I thought people with anxiety disorders “just needed to chill”, people with depression “just needed to be a little less whiny” . Now I’m sitting by my window, watching the cars go by, and a cop car actually stop for traffic, listening to bravado. It occurred to me that I have Come a long way, today I have a break from my seemingly never-ending suicidal thoughts, hopelessness, immense depression and uncontrollable panic attacks. I have been diagnosed with major depression and anxiety disorder. It’s not recent news, but it’s just now dawning on me. And now that I feel a little clear headed, just this evening. I’m looking at the awful times I’ve had in the past, I remembered how I felt like nobody gets it, and how much I cried because I felt useless and crippled by depression. My life is even harder because I’ve never been a Person to express my feelings because of a certain unknown fear. Lisa thinks that talking to people helps, I’ve tried it, I won’t deny it, it helps to just spew it all out at the same time be able to decipher things by myself (I’ve never had anyone tell me what to do or how to do things, my life has been trial and error). But then it just feels like every time I try talking, everyone wants to give me their opinion, then I feel judged or stupid, then I shut down, build up the wall 10 times bigger and then implode. It’s not helping me anymore, it’s not working. I don’t blame them for not getting it, I’ve been in their position, only difference is that I kept my comments and thoughts to myself. I don’t remember telling anyone: “oh, you just need to get more active” “oh stop thinking like that” “quit using those meds they’re keeping you on,let’s smoke pot and be happy” “I’m no expert but I’ve been there, you just need to restructure your life” “take time and figure things out”, “do you think maybe you’re trying to kill yourself for attention?”
No, I’m not trying to kill myself today, I’m actually in a good place today, I’m not depressed, I’m not happy either, I’m just a little below “okay”. Believe me! It’s a great place to be if you’ve been jumping between super sad, can’t get out of bed, losing weight, migraines from crying “no reason” and constant panic attacks for “no reason”.
Makes me want to scream! Once again, I’m not being heard!! Then I start feeling like I’m throwing tantrums for attention. I wish I was just as outspoken as everyone else. Just never thought having feelings was important, I still don’t think it is, I just dont like that my feelings are affecting me and half the time I don’t even know what the problem is.
All I know is that, this person is not me. I don’t know who this is. It’s not me. Maybe it’s who I am. You are who you are behind closed doors right? I’m miserable, I know this, I feel it, but telling everyone I’m “GREAT” with extremely believable enthusiasm for life comes so natural to me, it baffles me. I can put on a great smile 3 seconds after crying myself to a migraine. I guess I’m actually a miserable person, I’m just pretentious.
The reason I decided to write this was because an idea came to me. Nobody can know what I’m going through more than people that feel the way I do. What if I start a teeny little support group for people going through it. Going to be like an AA meeting except we aren’t trying to be sober, we are trying to find our happy, share our thoughts without feeling embarrassed or intimidated.