This one was a pretty face, he was charming, tall and old enough but not too old. He promised to see me that weekend, and I got stood up, I never heard from him until the morning after. He had an excuse, said family emergency.That should have been my first clue. I didn’t mind, considering I’m very familiar with dysfunctional families, I tried another chance. The first time we met, it was 30 minutes “date”. Which I thought, well, that’s not too bad. He said he’d see me some other day, again, I didn’t hear from him until the next day, this time, he was painting his kitchen. This bothered me for one, I’ve never painted before and I was in my “trying new things” phase, so regrettably, I was upset I didn’t get to paint, at the same time, I got stood up for blue kitchen paint lol. Which at first didn’t bother me, upon further consideration, I figured out that there’s a pretty good chance this dude hates me and didn’t know how to avoid me, so he’s coming up with these hurtful things to piss me off. We had a mini passive aggressive fight about it, it later got resolved. And then the night he was going to see me, I made a joke he found inappropriate because it was a sensitive topic, he practically scolded me for it, of course, I apologized because it was clearly a misunderstanding and me getting and or defensive would just add fuel to the fire. He got pissed off, practically said fuck off. I apologized and the next day he cleared things up.
Back on track, I was actually trying to convince myself that people aren’t bad, and not everyone would hurt me, walls were coming down just a little bit at this point, hung out, gave him a lot of blue balls, at the time I thought hmm “he isn’t so bad after all, I mean, he’s too sensitive sometimes and acts like a jerk and doesn’t know how to handle conflict, has a lot of issues”. I didn’t care, I mean I was trying to live in the moment and trying to overcome a major fear in my life. Then, of course, I was getting uncontrollably horny, I had sex with some guy just to cool things off, we’ll call him “penis on lease” (POL). So I discussed this budding relationship with POL and he mentioned I just need to let him know where my mind is at. I don’t make plans past a week because which leads me to another big giant fear I have (being disappointed, no seriously, I think everything is out to get me and keep me far away from happy). Because of this, I tend to almost always be in the moment, no worries about the future, if it’s good for me right now, I’ll probably do it lol. Anyway, POL said to let him understand that even though I’m trying to create a relationship here, I’m not trying to get married or thinking about a year from now, my thoughts and expectations are weeks to week, if that’s too fickle for him, I can do month to month.
So I asked him, hey man, so what are we trying to do here, are we going to be having a lot of sex or something slightly more meaningful, I’m trying to practice being comfortable with people. He said, “oh, I can teach you that, I’d like something more anyway”. I was okay with this too, you know learning. “Hey, I’m 21! Does this I’m anyway bothering you?” He’d say “lol, you’re 20, and I’m fine with it”. “Oh great 30s, that’s good too”. He wasn’t making time for me, I thought we just needed better scheduling, so I’d offer to cab to his house, just to make things as convenient and possible, first time I went there, we had Sex, I liked the spontaneity but I didn’t really like the sex, it was weird, I obviously thought it was because it was different, and assumed it just needed getting used to, so of course we tried again- tres weird!
Left in a hurry that morning, we made jokes about fuck and chuck,he was thinking it, I should have known he’d do that to me. Stayed in touch couple more time, went to his house again, sex again. This time, he looked like he was beginning to warm up to me a little more, it was different, it was adorable. Sex wasn’t that bad, but needed a lot of improvement, kicked me out in the morning lol. He then explained a day after that he was having people over- Understandable because we weren’t meeting friends and family yet. Fast forward through a lot of ignoring and avoidance and un-replied text messages, he later got around to tell me he was busy with work because it was investment season, thought, oh, I understand. more ignoring, more un-replied texts. One day, I went shopping with a friend, and as uncomfortable as I was lingerie shopping with anyone, It was a necessary evil as I was being oddly impulsive that week. I picked out a pretty blue one. Lacey midnight blue, had rhinestones on it, It was gorgeous, really complemented my skin tone, I loved it, I loved myself in it, the set was 120$ but any girl that’s ever really loved something would understand how money doesn’t become less of a factor. I wore those VS dressing room shirts, went to my friends dressing room to show it to her. she loved it so much, for some reason she kissed me, I politely kissed her back of course (Yes! I am a very nice lady!) but told her we couldn’t do anything, firstly, my Zoloft had plunged my sex drive considering she has no idea about the long list of mental illnesses I’m managing, I didn’t tell her. I just lied my way out of the situation.
One day, I went shopping with a friend, and as uncomfortable as I was lingerie shopping with anyone, It was a necessary evil as I was being oddly impulsive that week. I picked out a pretty blue one. Lacey midnight blue, had rhinestones on it, It was gorgeous, really complemented my skin tone, I loved it, I loved myself in it, the set was 120$ but any girl that’s ever really loved something would understand how money doesn’t become less of a factor. I wore those VS dressing room shirts, went to my friends dressing room to show it to her. she loved it so much, for some reason she kissed me, I politely kissed her back of course (Yes! I am a very nice lady!) but told her we couldn’t do anything, firstly, my Zoloft had plunged my sex drive considering she has no idea about the long list of mental illnesses I’m managing, I didn’t tell her. I just lied my way out of the situation.
She assumed it was because of Jade so she asked me to invite him over and we could “Have fun” together. If you’ve read my previous whining and maybe my fantasy journal, you know that I love to watch! I can’t seriously explain why I’ll think about it and keep you up to date. I texted him. “Hey, I got you something, come over after work-no excuses!” As usual, I didn’t even get a reply till maybe a week later. He came talking about how he’s been a recluse and blah. Again, good liar, stupid me, I felt sorry for him and fell for it again. He then asked me what I needed him for the other week, I told him what it was about. He seemed upset he missed the show but not about ignoring me. As you know, my social skills suck ass, I had no idea this was a bad thing. I even offered to teach him some coping skills I learned in therapy.
Fast forward again to chaperoning a tinder date. I hate tinder! As much as I respect having a healthy sex life. I just don’t like how its done these days, there’s so many lies and mind games involved that I can’t play. But I chaperoned my friends tinder date, it was all twenty-year-old boys so I used her tinder and started talking to her matches and playing a match. I see this Jade guy on tinder. He swore to me earlier he didnt use it. But I swiped right, 2 secs later, we matched, he messaged, I was shocked as hell, I didnt know what to do so I replied his message, I was bored, he was replying my texts anyway. So we talked, he started hitting on her (me). It was weird as hell. it didnt even feel like it was him, I mean, he was 100 times more confident than the guy I thought I knew and he told couple lies after that. But hey, its tinder, most people lie to get laid. we are not exclusive, I wasn’t mad and he could have been a catfish situation. It was too weird, tinder date was over, my friend got her phone back, we left the bar. Next day, she texted me saying the guy I was talking to had left me his phone number, I was like “there were a lot of guys, I don’t want it”. she said, “his name is Jade?” I said “oh, probably a fake profile, that person sounds nothing like Jade”, she said she got a phone number and we could call him to ask him to stop catfishing. I got the phone number, it was Jades, my head was going to explode lol. I texted him and begged him not to lie to me, I DONT like being lied to, do wahtever you want but it’d be great if you were a little straightforward. He denied it and told me not to bring any drama to him, called me crazy and took it way over the top.
He went ahead to unmatch my friend, confirming it was really him. I stopped talking to him then, I knew I was definitely done. He seemed nice but there was no substance to him. Reminds me of what I asked him the first time we met, I said: “How do you not know someone isn’t who they say they are, then you run into problems in the long run”. He said to me “People pretend, you never know”. I thought “No, you’ll always know” Well, I was wrong, he fooled me.
I had cut my losses, I was no longer interested I had moved way past it. Then he asked me about my friend-the tinder match, I told him, he wanted me to triple way text her, I refused, told him I don’t want to be part of any messy situation. He kept insisting, I gave him her phone number, I forgot to let her know what I had done. Fast forward some weeks later, she texted me asking why I gave a white boy her number, I said “what white boy?” she said my white boy, I said “Robert?(I’ll publicly share my note on Robert if you’re curious). I didn’t give Robert your number. She said “no Jade”. I apologized and said I forgot. she said he’s been begging her for sex. It was hilarious because he had texted me an hour prior and, as usual, left me hanging lol. I sent him a text and made a joke about him striking out with my friend and asked if that was why he texted me. Once again, on the defensive, got mad, called her names and started quadruple texting (didn’t know he had all that thumb power considering he never replied me and when he did, I got a lot of single words and meaningless pictures). She had also mentioned how much hateful things he said about me, I was so mad, my head hurt. I was wondering, what did I ever do to him? He told her he doesn’t want me anymore because “I wanted more “he gave her really intimate details which made me feel quite violated and unsafe- If I had trusted him with more personal stuff, he probably would have shared those too. I felt so awful, of course, I confronted him. I said “hey, why are you bad talking me to get laid? I mean you didn’t have to lie to her about me”. He called me crazy, asked me not to involve him, said he didn’t want me because I was too young, so it was my fault I was unwanted, obviously struck a nerve, I was crying my eyes out so I asked him to stop talking about how it was my fault he didn’t want me. He said, “you know what, you’re too crazy, I’m blocking you”.
I thought it would be good to express this except I’m way too ashamed to even talk about. Anonymously blogging this, works for me!