March 12th

I woke up late, I canceled work, rescheduled for Monday, went to my self-help class. Stopped at the corner store for a beef jerky, cookies, pringles and a bag of Twix. The store clerk looked awfully familiar, but I’ve always had a thing for red heads- She swore she doesn’t know me and I felt bad for embarrassing her, So we talked a little bit and she told me her name and was starting to go on with the conversation, I may have interrupted her and asked whether to get the Oreos or the chips ahoy or both, she clearly has a thing for chips ahoy, so I got that instead. I mumbled something about forgetting what I actually went there for, but she laughed and said something about being here if and when I remembered.  I got home, played ad still playing some music, did a little light cleaning before deciding to start some work as well as get a little more organized and make plans for the summer.

I remembered my mother called me this morning, I missed it so I decided to leave her a WhatsApp message, Obviously was a bad idea. We’ve always had a very different relationship. For some reason, I’m the only one that remembers everything that was not okay about how I was raised and why our relationship went to crap. Obviously, I’m no longer that bitter child, I have decided to let it go and actually try to build something  with her, That has been a little weird of course, and I always getting those side digs we all hate.

What bothers me now is that I have always been a private and independent person, I took care of her and my siblings and was the support for them for a very long time, it seemed of course like the right thing to do until it started to feel like I couldn’t do anything  just how they wanted it, It was never enough. Now that all that crazy is out of the way, She’s trying to be my mother but I don’t see a use for a mother and we butt heads unnecessarily, I say things to get on her nerves just because I can. I am not close to her, the distance clearly males her uncomfortable but let’s face is, Its the only way I know and Im comfortable with

Today’s fight was about telling her that I found it unusual that she would even ask me about school. I mean they never ask details. This is how a normal conversation with my mother goes.

M: How are you

N: I’m fine

M: How is school

N: School is fine

M: Hope you are eating well

N: Yes, I try

M: It is well with you, take care of yourself

(Then more mindless chatter and gossip about people we know and shit like that)

But this time, today it went this way:

N: Hi, I think I missed your call this morning, I was asleep

M: I’ve been trying to get in touch with you, It’s been going to your answering machine.How are you?

N: I’m fine, I growing a tooth and it’s giving me a headache

M: Don’t let it give you a headache, this is why you need Jesus

N: Its a molar, People go through this at one point or the other, Its not a big deal

M: Okay, how is school? and your results

N: Fine

M: How are your results? is everything going well?

N: Yeah, why?

M: It is your primary assignment over there, it’ll be nice to know it’s your top priority

N: Yeah, I’m aware

M: I think I have a right to ask

N: You do, I just need to justify my paranoia. Considering, we usually don’t have this kind of conversation, I’m curious to know what changed.

M: I always ask about school, read our chats, you know I always do. (Then she gave two instances from 5 semesters ago)

This part is what infuriated me, I’m in my third year second semester and the only memory of when I discussed my supposedly primary assignment was in my first year 2nd semester. Maybe I am overreacting but this seems ridiculously heartbreaking for me. The fact that those were the only instances we’ve discussed school.

I obviously didn’t want to continue with the conversation so I told her, it was fine and she didn’t need to try proving me wrong, I’m not saying she’s done anything wrong, I’m just saying I’m not the kid they usually bother about. I let her know I was fine with it and even told her it allows me my privacy. Then she said, “Damned if I do, damned if I don’t” . I told her no one was damning her, I was just saying what I thought. Told her it wasn’t a big deal and in the  middle of that, she got upset and said I always accuse her of being a bad mother. Bear in mind that even during our tumultuous relationship couple years ago, I never called her a bad parent. I let her know that I don’t think she’s a bad parent, She did the best she could, I don’t think she’s a bad person, I just don’t think that I am the person they bother about. This went on for too long and I found myself apologizing to this woman for being a bad child. for some reason, she had inferred from the conversation that I called her a bad mother and I don’t appreciate her. Apparently I am very insensitive. I was still apologizing to her, I was sure what I was apologizing for but at this point, I was truly sorry for not keeping my distance. She said I didn’t say happy mother’s day (Guilty!) and never wish her happy birthday (Not guilty). Mother’s day, I don’t keep up with that on my calendar just because Its like valentine’s day, I really don’t give a shit about these made up dates.

I don’t make a big deal about her birthday because the last time I did, I was in high school, I wasn’t getting allowances from her because she was mad at me and we just didn’t have a healthy relationship. I was looking forward to getting out of the house and I don’t know what she was looking forward to. Anyway despite the fact that I wasn’t getting allowances from her and I was using money from my odd jobs to get myself to and from school, for lunches and all that. I took the money and bought her birthday cards (1 from me and 1 from my siblings), I also got her a gift from all of us. My siblings didn’t pitch I, but I thought it was a nice thing to do, to include their names. I gave these stuff to my mom on her birthday, thinking “Yay! I made her happy, everything is going to be alright”. I was wrong lol, She returned them to me and said she has no business with me and doesn’t want anything from me. I felt so awful and genuinely heartbroken, I couldn’t get out of bed or my room for a while. It sucked lol. I got over it and swore I’d never let that happen again.

Maybe it’s a little petty that I am still holding on to that and I don’t celebrate or acknowledge her birthday. I stopped that last year and now she gets a happy birthday text from me now. I mean it happened 8 years ago, It shouldn’t be a big deal anymore, right? I was young, now I’m grown, I should put it behind me.  I explained this in my apology about why I’m neutral about her birthday and she accused me of being a  liar. “I know you for being stubborn but I don’t know when lying started” . Obviously, she doesn’t remember this and I don’t have any interests in delving into the past and opening up things that are obviously hurtful to me. I tried to end the conversation but she wouldn’t let it go, I apologized, wrote her a long apology before she would let it go.

This is obviously irritating for me, How does she easily claim not to remember the bad things but she easily throws her efforts and struggles in my face to guilt me into feeling sorry for her. This relationship is clearly not going to work, I am going to stay at the distance and let myself heal enough to have as much selective memory as she clearly does.  I feel so unlucky, I can never win lol. How will people treat me well when my family walks all over me.


Published by: lifelikealegohouse

A Young child with a lot of adult problems. Sweet exterior but a wide variety of mental illnesses. Obsessive list maker, Of all my diagnosed illnesses, anxiety and depression are currently kicking my ass the most. I get a kick out of horror movies and making people uncomfortable. I don't quite understand my sexuality yet. This is part of therapy, I write things that bother me here and pretend I'm being heard. It's to prevent me from imploding again. My posts go private a week after I post them, will share again if they relate with current post.

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