“I am not depressed”. I repeated this to myself as I was browsing brainy quotes on suicide and thinking about Arthur Schopenhauer and his thoughts on life, death, etc. Reminds me of the little Albert Camus I know and then to William James, these people wrote on life, death, suicide and despite how much I’ve worked to be better, to have a better feeling about life, I find myself missing something, Am i always going to be miserable or is it just a very long temporary situation or did I quit too soon? I don’t know how that works.
“I am not going to kill myself” I repeated to myself while thinking of the neatest and most efficient way to die. I have realised that at the time, maybe therapy was a good idea, but there is a chance there is more than depression and anxiety going on in my life, what if I’m more messed up than I think I really am. Do I really need to go back to therapy? I kinda doubt that I do, you see, therapy just makes everything come out and I absolutely can’t deal with that. Not right now, I’m never going to have a good and happy and enjoyable life, its foolish to think its worth a shot to even expose myself to that much suffering. Im scared shitless and I cant get help. What a life.